I'm A Sinner; I'm No Saint

People are deceptive. If they have some issues with someone, they are able to hide it behind a smile. People somehow try to hide their ugly side from you until it finally slips out. Majority do not even know they have an ugly side, which is being noticed by everyone. I'm going to open up, for those who care or give a damn, because I don't care if anyone don't.

How do people hide their disdain towards a guy from him? It's like putting up an act in front of him to make sure he does not know how much you suck to him. I try to see through the masks people wear, but it has clouded me. I start to feel paranoid, and trust turns to doubt. I tend to trust people too easily. And when people abuse the trust, even if it's for a small prank, I would never trust that person fully ever again. I'd doubt his every word, because I shall not fall for the same trick twice.

I just cannot understand how people can live with the "cloak and dagger" thing around. Is there anyone who you know you can trust to read his feelings and thoughts like an open book, instead of doubting him? I wish life would be that simple. If I could read minds I might not like what I'd find.

When people point out your flaws, do you actually take action? Do you even notice your flaws? Do you try to change yourself to become a better person? My flaws haunt me. I always try to rectify my flaws yet they keep resurfacing. Do you wish you could control yourself, and not turn ugly? Take for instance my temper. Ever since I entered NS there were times I lost my cool. To the extent where I wish I could snap the guy's neck and break his spine to cripple him. When I've calmed down I'd look back in disgust of myself and reflect on my weakness. I don't want to flare up. I try not to. But once you snap, calm is the last thing you'd give a shit to. I'm afraid. I'm afraid this continues in the future. What of I lose my cool at my wife in future? What if I hurt someone? As much as I hate resorting to violence, what if I get out of hand? Sometimes, the greatest fear you should fear is yourself.

Have you ever been called big-headed? Egoistic? I think these kind of people will seldom realise that they are. When I was in secondary school some friends have called me that. Honestly, till today, I do not see what I've done that made me be considered big headed. But then I feared I would really be egoistic, hence since then I've watched what I said. Except when I speak my mind, which is another flaw all together.

How is it I have so many flaws while others don't? Either I'm really fucked up or I just don't notice their flaws. I wish we people are not so complex in nature. I wish things were simpler.

I want to change. I really do. I hope I can. For my family, my friends, my future, myself.

Btw, why are there so many muslim families travelling tonight? On buses and on trains. Isn't Hari Raya next week?




I lay the cards on the table,
To sort out the mess that is my life.