Cry Me Out

Tired. Simple as that. Slept only a few hours from last night's lan, and mom woke me up so early today. I literally had my eyes closed during breakfast, before I went back to bed. However, before I could find my way back to La La Land, a song verse struck me. I quickly got up, and spent the entire morning writing the song! It's called "Valentine's Girl", and before you readers knock it please try it(after I've fully created the song of course!) Wondering if I should show you all the lyrics, just to let you know what the song is about. Now I need to think about what the instruments shall play and how the song should go.

Sports with my mom's side of the family today! I think I'm exhausted more due to lack of sleep rather than the activity itself. Had a really filling dinner despite eating quite little. My mom said because I was laughing too much during dinner.LOL

My mom was telling me that her neck had some pain, and wondered if it was cancer. It most likely is false alarm, but I wanted to be sure. I told her to check immediately, but she said it was okay. She said she did not mind dying, as long as my sister and I had a promising life ahead. Once her job is done, she was ready to just move on. She said she did not mind, but I totally mind. Where does she get the courage to face death so strongly? Why must she put so much effort in helping us, without asking for anything in return or for personal satisfaction, and finally move on? She never asked for anything, if so for us. She's always putting my sister and I on top of her own needs,sacrificing so much for a worthless son like me. Why must her life be like that? Why can I fucking not do anything about it? It sucks to see her caring too much for us and too little for herself, being so selfless and all. Why can't you just be self-centered for at least a day? Please? Do something for yourself once in a while, please?

I told my mom, if she does not check on that pain, I will not do the extra term in SMU. I rather use the money for her check-up. If by August she still does not check, I won't bother to attend school. Drop out, if I must. That way, all the expensive school fees can go to her medication, and I can focus entirely on music. School is nothing compared to this. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm bluffing, but I'm sure as Hell not joking.


It kills me from within.