The Start
This story is about a girl. A girl who most of you (kinda) know through my blog, or because I shared with you personally. She is, to me, the most amazing girl I've ever met, and while it took me some courage and recklessness to make the first move, we hit off pretty well. And for a short time, life was great. Like, seriously.
"I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me"
~ Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
Turning Point
Soon after, everything went downhill. I have to admit, it was kinda my fault. I was too... proactive, in a sense I was pressuring her and she felt that she couldn't reciprocate those feelings I have for her. So we decided to be just friends first and see how things go.
"Last night I knew what to say but you weren't there to hear it
These lines so well rehearsed, tongue-tied and overloaded
You never notice..."
~ The Academy Is... - About A Girl
Insecurity
It's not easy for me, at least. I'm not sure about her. In fact, right now I don't know anything with what's going on with her right now. She rarely replies my messages, she always seem so busy to study together, and I almost never get a chance to go back home with her. And she recently went out with a guy. He asked her out and she agreed. Why should I be bothered? We two are, after all, just friends. Maybe she's hanging out with another guy right now. I just don't know.
"And I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control."
~ The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Torment
But I can't. I still like her a lot. I don't know if she knows it. Maybe that little amount of "like" she has for me is already gone. When she was troubled recently, which my gut instinct told me it had to do with her ex (plus him posting a "<3" on her Facebook wall), I had problem sleeping that night. You know how you see in shows where a person's mind gets so distorted and screwed up that his mind is muddled? I felt the same way. Kind of between my mind being flushed in a toilet bowl, and unable to think properly after taking too much alcohol. I couldn't think properly, only about the possibility that she and the ex end up getting back together. I had problem sleeping that night, and when I did, all I dreamed of was about her and her ex patching up. Woke up feeling fucked up.
"What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay"
~The Script - Breakeven
Sucker Punch
Last night I had another dream about her, but this one was better. A nicer one. One where she was standing beside me, a smile across her face. This wasn't the first one. A few nights back there was another one, where we went out for Korean BBQ. And the thing about nice dreams is that when you wake up, you not only realize it's all not real, but also that in reality fate would do the total opposite. Like my gut instinct, my particular belief about dreams has always been true. Have a good dream about getting something, and in reality, it will never be within your grasp. So I wake up with that crappy realization hitting me hard.
"I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah"
~ Maroon 5 - Misery
Depressed
To sum up all that stuff I just said, this is actually killing me from the inside. It sucks, and my friends have been telling me to just move on, to find other girls. Casual dating was a suggestion. If she can go date other people, so can you. Thing is, she is the only girl in my mind, so even if I do go out with another girl, my heart will always be with her. Sure, I can try to move on and totally forget about her, but it'll take a very, very long time. I want to just wait and see how things go, but doing so is making me emo. I feel so lost, so helpless, not sure where to go at this juncture.
"I pictured I could bring you back
I pictured I could turn back time
'cause I can’t let go
I just can’t find my way"
~ Simple Plan - Perfect World
Waking Up
Which brings me to the main reason why I'm blogging this, actually. Because I'm feeling so emo, I've been less cheerful and all around my friends and others. I shut out everyone and simply dwell about this. In a way, I was being a mood killer. Then, today at a Times bookstore, I went to purchase a book. The cashier, like how all cashiers are trained, served me with a smile. She settled my purchase with a warm smile. She asked if I was a member, and, in my emo state, I merely gave a shake of my head. If I was feeling okay, I'd say "No, thanks." with a smile. I mean, if someone was being nice and polite to me, I'd do the same. But I didn't, and all because I was feeling emo. That's when I realized I needed to wake up.
Growing Up
I'm not going to simply just forget about her and move on. She's too perfect to me to just give up on. I want to keep trying until I'm really face-down in the dirt, then do I admit defeat. I'm still feeling lost, frustrated and emo about it. But at the same time, I'm not going to dwell and be emo about it too much, because the people around me don't deserve this. I'm going to get up on my feet and continue my life, because I've got a future and great people around me.
I'm going to be a better person.
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