Bummer

Well, I didn't get into the exco for Stereometa. I have to admit, I'm quite shocked about it. I was looking so forward to being part of the exco and giving my ideas. Plus, exco means I could access the room anytime I wanted. But the results were out yesterday and I didn't get in.

Feeling really bummed out about it right now.

HAHAHAHA

Long since I blogged! 2 days? Okay, I'll do a quick one before I go to sleep!

Hmmm can't really remember what I did the past few days, so I'll just type whatever that comes to mind!

HIMYM season 7 is out! So happy! And two episodes! :)

Running low in cash :(

Biz Law mid-terms next Monday. So screwed!!! Bet I'll get lowest in class!

There was presentation today for Management Communications, and each student is suppose to present on the powerpoint slide they are assigned to. I only went to open mine to prepare half an hour before the lesson, so yea... procrastination FTW! haha Managed to smoke my way through!

Wanted to go toilet from the library, and got stopped by this lady. I thought she was a student, but she said "youngsters these days" so I assume she's old? Anyway, she approached me and said she was going to have bible studies in the evening. I thought I heard wrongly and asked her to repeat. I mean, what stranger will suddenly approach you and announce that he or she is going for bible studies? Super random! She repeated herself, and I confirmed that I did hear correctly. And, how am I suppose to reply to such a statement? Simple. "So?"

Then she asked if I could join in, asked if I believe in God and read the bible, saying youngsters these days have so much troubles... all with that crazy eyes gleaming in worship. I swear, my face was showing two different things: 1)I thought that this was seriously ridiculous and 2)I couldn't be bothered. So I was trying to look interested, yet I was grinning at how lame this was. I wonder what my resulting facial expression was. Anyway, I quickly shook her off because I really, really needed to take a dump. Talk about divine intervention.

Stupid 80-year-old man. I can come up with 20 replies to shoot you down. Like, "At least I'll still be around in 20 years".haha

DJ-ing was quite sad, because someone went to take the equipment, so we couldn't practice for our graduation performance. Speaking of which, I better let my friends know!haha

I still think of her, actually. The back of several girls remind me of her, and a small part of me feels sad. But I need to be strong and confident, never falter!

Recently went to catch up with Hanasaku Iroha, and I got to say, I'm enjoying it! And to fall in love... sigh! And Tiger&Bunny has ended! So sad! Waiting for season 2!

Only Hear The Good Stuff

I honestly think my mom has reached that stage in life. 45-50? That's when women get reeeeeeally cranky and all. Now, some of you may see me as a jerk for talking about my mom like that, but I'm merely saying it as I see it.

I go to school to study. I stay in school after lessons to study. Because I know that I cannot study at home. But no, she insists that I'm going to school just to hang out. Firstly, I study. Secondly, I tend to study alone. Thirdly, just because I like a girl, doesn't mean I'm in school just because I'm hanging out with her. Please. I haven't met her for a whole week.

So go ahead. Unplug my computer. Throw my bag. Threaten to stop paying for my education. Smash my phone. Take away my house keys and expect me to come back 10pm every night.

I've learned how to tune her voice out.

Anyone got place I can crash? Gotta get out of here.

I know I seem really screwed up these days, but seriously, right now I've some family issues to settle. I'll blog again when Life gets better.

Haha. FML.

Feeling Bad

When I see the photos of her out with her friends last night(I wasn't stalking, FYI -.- It's called news feed), and seeing her nice smile in the photos, I realized what a jerk I am. My blog probably spoiled her mood last night, when she should be having fun with her friends.  Because of me, her night was ruined. She's only 19, she has friends, a life, and she should be happy. All I did was make her life so complicated for her, and if not for me she'd be a happier person right now. I feel so bad and selfish, to be affecting her life. All I want is to make her happy, to be there when she needs someone, to hear her problems, to share mine, to make sure nobody will break her heart ever again.

But all I did was make her sad. All I did was make her feel so complicated. I read her Facebook posts. I know. Gut instinct.

All I did was be the villain in the story :(

Whenever people ask me things like "How many pretty girls in your school?" or "Any hot girls in your class", the first thing that comes to mind is her. I'd always give them the answer, "There's only one." I honestly never really bothered to look around at the girls in SMU, no matter how pretty they are said to be. I just... don't feel like looking. I only want to look at her. Her flawless beauty... Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, readers, so zip it.haha

All I can say is: sorry for spoiling your day, and for screwing up :(

I don't blame her for being pissed. In fact, I pretty much hate myself for it right now.

I actually got half the mind to just remove this entire blog. All I do is hurt people and sabo myself.

FML, really. Don't need to sleep tonight.

Eh Eh

Guys, I typed wrongly. She did NOT play with my feelings. I typed it wrongly. So if anyone wants to judge her, you gotta go through me first.

And, I feel so fucked up right now for that typo :(

Bad Phrasing

I need to write down my thoughts properly. I FUCKING FAIL :(

A simple SMS from her makes me happy. How can I bear to just forget about her?

Yet, my spirits get shot down fast.

Talk to me. Because I've been trying to. So hard.

Turning Up A Smile

Hey everyone! I know it's been long since I last blogged, and I know it's going to be quite shitty to read this new post, because instead of talking about what's been going on in life since the last post, I'm going to rant and emo here.haha As much as I don't want to, I feel like I should just pen type it down, to share with everyone but most importantly, as a reminder of this when I look back in future.

The Start
This story is about a girl. A girl who most of you (kinda) know through my blog, or because I shared with you personally. She is, to me, the most amazing girl I've ever met, and while it took me some courage and recklessness to make the first move, we hit off pretty well. And for a short time, life was great. Like, seriously.


"I know that you are something special
  To you I'd be always faithful
  I want to be what you always needed
  Then I hope you'll see the heart in me"
~ Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul



Turning Point
Soon after, everything went downhill. I have to admit, it was kinda my fault. I was too... proactive, in a sense I was pressuring her and she felt that she couldn't reciprocate those feelings I have for her. So we decided to be just friends first and see how things go.


"Last night I knew what to say but you weren't there to hear it
  These lines so well rehearsed, tongue-tied and overloaded
  You never notice..."
~ The Academy Is... - About A Girl



Insecurity
It's not easy for me, at least. I'm not sure about her. In fact, right now I don't know anything with what's going on with her right now. She rarely replies my messages, she always seem so busy to study together, and I almost never get a chance to go back home with her. And she recently went out with a guy. He asked her out and she agreed. Why should I be bothered? We two are, after all, just friends. Maybe she's hanging out with another guy right now. I just don't know.


"And I just can't look it's killing me
  And taking control."
~ The Killers - Mr. Brightside



Torment
But I can't. I still like her a lot. I don't know if she knows it. Maybe that little amount of "like" she has for me is already gone. When she was troubled recently, which my gut instinct told me it had to do with her ex (plus him posting a  "<3" on her Facebook wall), I had problem sleeping that night. You know how you see in shows where a person's mind gets so distorted and screwed up that his mind is muddled? I felt the same way. Kind of between my mind being flushed in a toilet bowl, and unable to think properly after taking too much alcohol. I couldn't think properly, only about the possibility that she and the ex end up getting back together. I had problem sleeping that night, and when I did, all I dreamed of was about her and her ex patching up. Woke up feeling fucked up.



"What am I suppose to do
  When the best part of me was always you and
  What am I suppose to say
  When I'm all choked up and you're okay"
~The Script - Breakeven




Sucker Punch
Last night I had another dream about her, but this one was better. A nicer one. One where she was standing beside me, a smile across her face. This wasn't the first one. A few nights back there was another one, where we went out for Korean BBQ. And the thing about nice dreams is that when you wake up, you not only realize it's all not real, but also that in reality fate would do the total opposite. Like my gut instinct, my particular belief about dreams has always been true. Have a good dream about getting something, and in reality, it will never be within your grasp. So I wake up with that crappy realization hitting me hard.


"I am in misery
  There ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah
  Why won't you answer me?
  The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah"
~ Maroon 5 - Misery



Depressed
To sum up all that stuff I just said, this is actually killing me from the inside. It sucks, and my friends have been telling me to just move on, to find other girls. Casual dating was a suggestion. If she can go date other people, so can you. Thing is, she is the only girl in my mind, so even if I do go out with another girl, my heart will always be with her. Sure, I can try to move on and totally forget about her, but it'll take a very, very long time. I want to just wait and see how things go, but doing so is making me emo. I feel so lost, so helpless, not sure where to go at this juncture.


"I pictured I could bring you back
  I pictured I could turn back time
  'cause I can’t let go
  I just can’t find my way"
~ Simple Plan - Perfect World




Waking Up
Which brings me to the main reason why I'm blogging this, actually. Because I'm feeling so emo, I've been less cheerful and all around my friends and others. I shut out everyone and simply dwell about this. In a way, I was being a mood killer. Then, today at a Times bookstore, I went to purchase a book. The cashier, like how all cashiers are trained, served me with a smile. She settled my purchase with a warm smile. She asked if I was a member, and, in my emo state, I merely gave a shake of my head. If I was feeling okay, I'd say "No, thanks." with a smile. I mean, if someone was being nice and polite to me,  I'd do the same. But I didn't, and all because I was feeling emo. That's when I realized I needed to wake up.

Growing Up
I'm not going to simply just forget about her and move on. She's too perfect to me to just give up on. I want to keep trying until I'm really face-down in the dirt, then do I admit defeat. I'm still feeling lost, frustrated and emo about it. But at the same time, I'm not going to dwell and be emo about it too much, because the people around me don't deserve this. I'm going to get up on my feet and continue my life, because I've got a future and great people around me.

I'm going to be a better person.